To BYU

Avery is off to BYU.

 I have to be in a good head space to work on this blog post because it's so tender to my heart and I'm still on the rise and fall of emotions that come with it. 

Today is a good day because Avery started classes and she called in a good mood and it just feels exciting for this exact moment in time. Subject to change. 

Anyway, she packed and packed starting about a week before launch time. She did it all. She bought those duffle bags, she picked what to take, what to leave behind. She ordered stuff she needed for her dorm room. She was so excited!

Jim made her a chocolate cake. We tried to have one last family dinner but it didn't really work out exactly. 

We had a lot of "lasts",

last "drive down main street", last church together...

One last dessert run to White Rock for some chocolate covered strawberries.

Sunday she loaded up everything in the Tesla, 

Jim gave all three kids a start of school blessing, 

then he launched. See you Tuesday!

That night we went down for a last sunset with the crew.

Lisa made Hudson give hugs, and then they had to hold it that way until it got awkward. haha

We went back home and it was just weird. The time ticked down until bed time.

Evan came down and asked "are we saying goodbye to Avery?"

They played one last Mario Kart together. Me and Avery had to get up at 4:30am to catch a flight so I went to bed. 

I have a stomach ache typing this. 

The next morning was the hardest hardest morning. 

Me and Avery had our suitcases ready to go, the light was dim, the sky was dark.

Avery cuddled with Koda for a minute. She was crying. I was so sick to my stomach. 

I didn't know it was going to be like this! We were so excited leading up to this. All summer, all week, she was ready and excited. 

Now that it was time to walk out the door, it was so so hard. 

I really really had to keep my adult brain online. My adult brain knew this is a good thing. This is the how this has to go. 

We stood there and hugged and cried. Sobbed, honestly. In the dim light. 

It was so hard. That's all I know how to describe it. The hardest thing my adult brain has ever had to do. 

She laid back down by Koda and I had to say "ok we need to go." 

All I wanted to do was push the eject button. Eject! Eject! I screamed it in my head. 

(PS when we went in for the hug, our arms kept running in to each other - high low high low high low - we've never had to figure out the arms for a hug before). 

Driving to the airport we discussed the good sadness we were feeling.

"like in the movie Inside Out, it's important we feel this sadness" 

then she reminded us:

"remember when our arms kept running into each other?" 

and we busted up laughing. 

The flight to Vegas felt so long. I slept in a the most fitful, stomach ache sleep. 

I felt so unstable, emotionally falling, reach my arms out to catch myself, I latch on to anything steady. 

That steady thing happened to be the current Psalms:

Psalms 57:1 "for my soul trusteth in thee: yea, in the shadow of thy wings will I make my refuge"

If I'm in the shadow, that means He is close. I'm in the safety of the wings. I'm being gathered. 

Avery is also in my shadow. I've got her, but also I have to let her go. She's in my shadow, I'm in Jesus' shadow. We are all going to be ok.

The other steady thing I latch onto is the advice my friends are texting:

*it's like childbirth

*think about the opposite of this: stagnation, stuck, small

*we have our own lives, just like our children have their own lives. 

All the things you know intellectually, but stilllll.

We got to the Kelvingtons for the day/night. It was a good distraction. We went to eat with Sammy and spied when Sammy got asked to HOCO by a boy. Avery tried to help Damon with homework, I did a puzzle.

The whole time I had a stomach ache. I was in major panic. My brain wanted to take her home.

When we were getting ready for bed she said "lets stay here forever",

and then later she said "I just want to go home".

Again my adult brain had to stay calm and stick to the plan. But my body reacted by 

initiating the stomach issue that rhymes with mamma mia. 

We laid in bed and I put my arm around her.

The whole time we were in Vegas I was watching her, taking her temperature, feeling her emotions: "how is she doing? how is she feeling? is she calm now? is she dreading this?" my brain did a constant scan and it made me so tired. 

And honestly, she was fine. She was laughing and eating and ready. But it was so so hard. 

The next morning we got on board a Breeze flight to Provo. We got "first class" seats. Woo hoo.

Coming in for a landing, Avery chirped "Look you can see the Y!"

And I'm still scanning her emotions, and it instantly calmed me that she was so excited to be here.

I know I am the problem. I need to calm down. I just didn't know I was going to feel so psycho and panicked.

PS she didn't know I was panicked. I was completely neutral, faking it!

Let me tell you something about this entire summer: Both Jim and I did some pretty "crazy" things we have never done before - summiting Mount Baker and Backpacking the Inca Trail. 

The night before both of these adventures, I had restless sleep because I just didn't know what it would be like. You can imagine it in your head, but what will it actually be like? and when you are laying in bed the night before - about to do this unknown thing - it's scary.

Laying in the tent the night before climbing a volcano in the snow I said, "this is the craziest thing we have ever done."

 I said the same thing laying in the hotel bed before launching into a third world Inca Trail, "this is the craziest thing we have ever done."

But nothing was as hard as this is to my mom soul and my tummy. 

"This is the craziest thing we have ever done."

Other things me and Jim have said about this: "This is impossible. I did not sign up for this." 

So Jim had been driving for the past two days, stopping about every 2 hours to recharge his Tesla, 

and we made it to the Provo hotel at about the same time!

It was such a relief to have him with me. We all relaxed. Just like when we were on Mount Baker, his calm demeanor told my brain that this is going to be ok. 

We had to wait until 6:00pm to check in and move into Avery's room, so we ate In and Out, laid around in the hotel, and Avery talked with her schedule advisor about her classes. 

Finally at 6:00 we headed over to Heritage Halls. 

Thank goodness Calvin was there to help us figure out how to do it all. haha 

He helped us know where to park, where to go get keys, where building 16 was. It was really comforting. 

We moved stuff in - it was so hot - Jim helped adjust the bed while I scrubbed walls. 

Not long after Avery was moved in, Jim had to get back on the road. He had to make it back home as quickly as he could. By the way did you know the boys would start school the VERY NEXT DAY?

They were home alone PUTTING THEMSELVES TO BED before waking up for school. 

They laid out their first day of school outfits, they made themselves dinner. They did it all while their mom and dad were off doing the impossible thing of moving a child out of our home. 

So Jim did the impossible and hugged Avery goodbye there in the hallway of her new dorm.

I stood there thinking "thank goodness I don't have to do that" still in denial, self preservation. 

So that night we got a few things from WalMart, which is universally the WORST THING in the world -  

for both wide eyed freshman and their nervous moms. As we wandered around looking for hangers and shower cadis, everyone is nervous and everyone has decision fatigue. 

I remember when I was a wide eyed freshman at SUU I hated the pre dorm shopping. 

We took the stuff back to her dorm, and started setting things up. 

Then Bret came home! They were excited to see each other and I could read the room that it was time for me to leave them to it.

I snapped their picture real quick to have a "before" shot,

and then I went to my hotel.

It felt so good to have her there with a friend excited and doing the college thing. 

At the hotel, I called Jim and we debriefed on how this all happened. How do we do this impossible thing that we never signed up for? We signed up to raise a family in our home together. No one told us they leave. 

Jim explained the exact feeling: we've never felt this feeling before. This is a new feeling. That is why it is so so uncomfortable. 

The next morning I set an alarm to wake up and call the boys, to make sure they were up and good to go. 

Evan answered and said they were outside taking first day of school pictures! I just about died. They are so cute and responsible.

I went to the ring camera and watched at they took turns standing by the door on the edge of the door mat. Like every first day of school picture. Then they got in their car and Evan drove them to school. 

This article was in my news. 

Avery had said the day before: "I'm not dreading this, I just wish I wasn't all wide-eyed. I wish I knew what I was doing. I wish I could skip the freshman phase of not knowing anything."

Then last week when we were reading Job, the theme of "joy" kept coming up. We can't avoid hard things, we can't avoid suffering, so how are we supposed to have joy? Or even better, DURABLE joy. That is something more - that comes from forgetting ourselves.

Remember I am still reaching out to anything steady. So at this point, I'm clinging to all the advice and words my friends are texting me. Everything is a metaphor.

So the article had all the current themes of my life put into one paragraph. 

 I drove up the canyon to see some waterfalls.

This first one was easy along the paved trail with lots of bikers and moms,

This second one "upper falls" was another half a mile up the mountain in a secluded canyon. 

I stood at the base of this one and got sprayed and sprayed. It felt so good. 

After this I headed to the dorms to pick up Avery.

We went to Costco and Walmart and got MAJOR decision fatigue. 

I'm telling you, it is not fun to pick out things you need to live on your own when you can't picture it and you are a mom with a nervous tummy. We came back to the hotel and took a nap. 

Later we met up to eat at the Creamery, 

then fetch amazon packages from the office, 

then finalize the dorm...

look how fun!?

Truly the college years are the the funnest. My brain knows. I know all the things. 

There is no better thing for your child than actually this. 

I went back to my hotel for the night. This is the beautiful view outside her building as I walked to my car. 

The rest of the week is kind of a blur of orientation! soccer game! sisters! 

Objectively fun things!

Hotel life, workout room, the same breakfast every morning, trying to stay out of the way. 

Before the soccer game on Thursday me and Avery went to The Oddessey. I think I was in a bad frame of mind because I did not like it. I texted Jim: "Boring. Two more hours of this?" 

lol maybe I'll try again another time. 

Finally Nettie arrived! The soccer game was so fun. Things we aren't used to: school spirit (the student section was so enthusiastic!) and winning. We won by 1 goal. 

I asked all my older siblings who have sent children to college: HOW DO YOU DO THIS?

and they all had a similar answer: my kids were ready to go, and I was excited for them to go. 

That blew my mind because SAME but it is still IMPOSSIBLE.

**As I type this, Avery has been gone almost 2 weeks, and I'm realizing they have forgotten the very fleeting pain of it because it only lasts a tiny minute of sadness before all the GOOD of going to college overshadows the hard. Currently Avery is having so much fun. ** 

The next day I visited Morgan for the first time since she got home from her mission. 

We went to Moxx for lunch - I highly recommend!

Then picked up Calvin and Avery to do more grocery shopping.

When Avery jumped in the truck with us, it had been a "long time" since we had hung out, so I squealed and it was so fun to walk the isles of Smiths with her. We debriefed on worries and thoughts. Also I had a tummy ache and had to quick stop at the Smith's bathroom for some mamma mia. 

We had some time to kill before more orientation, so Avery and I drove up the canyon to the waterfall. Mostly we just wanted to drive around, but we happened to be driving in a THUNDER STORM.

haha It was a little big scary because it was SO WINDY. As we walked by blowing trees, I said 

"I don't think trees get blown down here like they do in Washington", and then we proceeded to see THREE trees blown down.

Hurry quick look at the waterfall, then back to the car!

Then she went to orientation and I went to eat with my sisters.

Avery sent me this. The clouds were so cool and the drone show was amazing. 

This is Bret, Avery's roommate and Calvin's lifelong friend. 

We met with the Masons for some good healthy dinner.

After this Brandon wanted get a burger for dessert. haha

For real, it wasn't good food. 

Then we got ice cream and wandered around Harmons grocery store. 

This is basically what the ice cream place theme was like. lol

I can't explain it, but this picture will remind me of the amount of laughing I did with my siblings while simultaneously having a tummy ache. 

I knew the next day I was going to have to say the final goodbye to Avery.

I felt like she was ready, and I felt like I needed to go home so we could start getting used to this new life. 

In the morning we went out to eat at Denny's for breakfast.

(But first I stopped at a car dealership to have them pump up my tires because I got the dumb TPMS alert on my rental and that was an annoying thing to have to take care of.)

Then we walked around the campus, finding all her classes.

Then my adult brain knew it was time. Plus I had an airplane to catch. 

She walked me to my car. 

We hugged. 

We parted without any tears.

Until I shut my car door and then I started crying. 

Obviously I will be blogging more and more about what it's like having Avery gone, but 

SPOILER: she is doing great and thriving, and we are also doing fine here at home.

It is so fun to hear about the things she is doing and the friends she is finding and the activities she is attending. It is all good because it is RIGHT AND GOOD to have your birds leave the nest.