Happy New Year

New Years Eve Jim went golfing with the Black boys and me and Lisa hiked 5 miles around Padden. 

While we were sitting in the club house waiting for the golfers to get done, we discussed what we should do for New Years? and we both said: go to our own homes and get in bed. 

Usually we have a New Years party at the Blacks, and we walk down to the Ring of Fire at the bay, and it's a whole fun night. 

But the Blacks recently had the flu, and nobody had party food, and just, my bed sounded way funner. 

 

So we ate dinner at Chipotle, then went home.

We watched Big with the boys.

Avery had a super fun New Years, as she should. 

She hung out with her friends and didn't go to sleep until 7am. 

I went to bed early - put my mask on and hit the sack at 11:00.

And literally said "I don't care, good night". 

I had to get up early the next morning to park cars for the Polar Plunge. 

They are attempting the World Record for most people plunging. 

They had enough people, but they are still waiting to hear from Guiness to see if it's official. 

So that was a CRAZY new years day. The cars just kept coming and coming! 

Here are my thoughts on my kids growing up - and I can't really put it into words, and I know my feelings will change -

but it feels unfair.

I want to be a mom. I want to have a family. and I did all that, and now they are just going to go away. 

I've prayed and prayed to have a safe and healthy, and happy family and here it is, and they are just going to walk away.

I literally cry into my pillow lately about how I don't want it to end. I want my kids in my home and I want a family.

When Simeon sees the baby Jesus in the temple with Mary, he gives them a blessing. 

And he tells Mary - IN PARENTHESIS - 

"(yea, a sword shall pierce through thy own soul also)"

like: BY THE WAY, Mary, having children and being a mother will PIERCE YOUR SOUL with a sword because you will love something so much and it was designed and destined to leave you. 

The whole configuration of the mothering is healthy and good ONLY WHEN IT LEAVES YOU.

OR you could be like the wicked witch archetypes (in snow white, repunzal, etc) who are devouring mothers and don't allow the children to grow and leave. 

That's me, a devouring mother. You stay RIGHT HERE WITH ME.

When I pray about this and I can't deal with the unfairness, the thought comes to me: this joy of having kids will be their joy. Do you want to deny them this joy? Of progression and becoming and feeling all the things you feel?

and my answer is YES. 

So, stay tuned to see if I find a way to feed my children a poisoned apple. 

I'm researching a recipe. 

I don't know. Remember I don't know how to be a mom. 

Day 23 :: Something I Never Get Sick Of

 

I think I never get sick of watching my kids grow and become the next version of themselves. 

HOWEVER - I know where this is going. I know that Avery is about to launch right out of my nest. And then the other two will follow. It will break my heart, but also make me so happy. 

Today Avery got her patriarchal blessing. It was so amazing. She has such an amazing soul. I'm a little bit speechless about the things Brother Hoyt said about her - about her premortal, present, and future self. It made me realize she is a complete soul sovereign to herself. Not just my daughter. She is such a gift to this world. 

FIVE YEARS AGO

On Mother's Day, Evan made me chocolate waffles and brought them to me while I blogged in bed. 

Avery gave me a foot massage and painted my toenails. 

Andrew opted out of Mother's Day this year. Sometimes he is so thoughtful. Sometimes he is so oblivious. 

He is currently in his middle school era though. So we can't totally blame him for his addled brain. 

He went to the color dance last week - a middle school right of passage. 

It was on - rain or shine - and it was RAINY. 

Avery went to the prom last weekend. She planned and planned all her things, and in the end said she didn't like how she looked. Darn it. Well, I think she's the most beautiful. And she had lots of fun. 

Evan is in his "getting a license" era. 

Every day when I get done with soccer, he is there by my car finished with track practice. He drives us home. 

So yeah, I don't know what to do about my kids getting older. I love watching them grow and become. But I know it's bringing me one step closer to letting them go. 

The paradox of being a mom. 

I remember this same exact feeling when they were newborns. I wanted them to stay tiny skinny and red in my arms forever, simultaneously wanting them to gain weight, not be so fragile, get into a routine so I could sleep. 

Can we have it both ways? 

No. 

S is for Somehow

The week I moved all the kids around into their new rooms, 

I also did a deep clean and purge of each room. 

I pulled out all furniture and vacuumed and wiped all the baseboards. 

Stuck to the back side of Evan's dresser thingy was this post it note:

"why is mommy acting kind of mean"

Can you even handle this? I can't. 

I can't believe they used to call me mommy. 

Andrew was the first to call me just "mom". Then the big kids followed. 

I guess one day when I was out of patience Evan needed to process, so he wrote it on a note. 

I guess one day I was just "kind of mean". So, not totally mean. That's good.

This makes me want to go scoop him up and hug. 

Do you know when I wake him up for seminary, his cute little sleeping face as a teenager looks the same as it did when he was little? He's a nose breather, like a good boy.  

So, I think about this almost every time I'm at the school campus: 

How my kids' schools have opened up to my brain-map little by little -

like how on a video game...you can only see a small part of the "world", and then as you beat certain levels, new continents open up, and you build and build as the map reveals new lands. 

You know what I mean? 

For a while I only knew the Primary School. I was there so much as a helper and a sub.

Then Avery moved on to the Elementary and I got to know that building, and I was intimidated by it at first.

Then I subbed my first middle school job to see what that world was like before my kids entered it. 

And before you know it they conquered that building (Andrew is still working on it.)

And now somehow they have opened the grand realm of High School. The whole map has been revealed. 

I can see all the lands. 

Somehow they grew up. 

 I can't think of a more cliche thing to say - how does time go so fast? - but it's a real question.

How did they grow up before my very eyes and yet I don't know how it happened. 

I mean, I was here THE WHOLE TIME and I don't know how it happened.

I wonder what day and what age it was that Evan found a pencil and paper and vented about me being a meany. What made me so impatient that day? Because right now I would love to go back in time to when he called me mommy and find out what dumb little thing caused that.

I'll tell you what - today I was "kind of mean" to 14 year old Evan. 

And here's why:

He was cleaning the bathroom, and I was in there telling him what needed done:

take everything out, vacuum the floor, wipe the baseboards and toilet/tub seams. 

"so go get the vacuum"

*he walks downstairs and gets the vacuum, but only the canister part. not the wand part*

*he shows me that he got the vacuum*

*very passive aggressive, very complainy *

*I play his game and say "ok go ahead and vacuum with that"*

*he pulls the trigger and swipes the canister around the floor*

*I yell at him in an explanation to go get the WHOLE vacuum, don't be DUMB!*

*he goes down and gets the rest of the vacuum and does a floppy job of vacuuming the nasty bathroom floor*

So yeah, I get being "kind of mean" in the moment when it actually is NOT A BIG DEAL. 

But it's kind of a big deal because watching boys clean a bathroom is EXCRUCIATING. 

So...yeah. 

I is for I

1.

I is for I don't know. 

That's pretty much my mantra anymore. 

I don't know about teenagers or what is going on in this world or why COVID is the weirdest thing that ever happened or the internet. All the things, I just don't know. 

When I pray, it's mostly just me saying I don't know, I don't know, etc.

And I swear to you this has been me for a long time, so today when I saw this artwork thingy on instagram:

I was like: um what. who highjacked my picture and my thoughts and put them on the internet?

So yeah,  I don't know. 

2. Avery is sitting here telling me about middle school stuff, friends who have crushes and stuff like that, and I have to promise not to tell their mom. 

Andrew came along and interrupted us to read his table of contents for the book he is writing. Koda is laying on my feet. Jim is beside me studying pilot stuff because he is flying for the first time as captain on Sunday. Evan is drumming on his practice pad. I can't wait for him to get that snare drum he asked for.  

3. Me and Jim and Koda walk around Lincoln park in the dark while Evan is at basketball practice. 

Jim brings a bright flashlight and I wear a dim headlamp. The cold air feels so good as we walk up and down the trails. 

Tuesday a baby owl flew and landed on this branch in front of us. It was so cute. Fluffy. Eyes glued on Koda. Mama hooting deep in the forest. 

4. This dang dog. So many times throughout the day I yell "I hate you!" to her, but I don't hate her. 

She is a stinker, but she's also lovely. She's a good dog. So loyal. So cuddly. 

It's hard to explain how you can have two extreme feelings for something, but I feel so much comfort and love from her. She just wants to be right next to us. Right at my feet as I make dinner. 

One night I felt crappy and I was laying in bed trying to sleep it off, and she lay right by my legs. The feeling of her warm, loving body next to me felt so...healing.

Jim is her absolute boyfriend. She licks his face OFF in the morning. 

5. One night Andrew sat by Jim and asked "do you like being a dad?"

He laughed and said yes and they talked about stuff. 

6. Guys. When I think about Alex Trebek not being in this world anymore, I can't believe it. 

 He's childhood staple. It means I'm so old. It means Jeopardy will never be the same. 

7. There are three shepherds in this picture. Me Lisa and Lindsay take our dog pack to the rockpile and it just hit me today that for some reason we each have a shepherd. How did we get there? Covid. 

The last third of the walk is in the dark because the sun goes down so early, and we refuse to be bossed around by the dark anymore. 

8. A Galbraith sesh where the boys took the dogs, then "rinsed" them off in a nearby ditch.

Then we go eat a burger at 5 Guys.

9. Avery got braces! What a dang teenager, right? 

10. Yesterday Me and Roxanne climbed up Chuckanut mountain. I love it so much. 

She has teenagers, so she helps me wade through this new territory. 

Every single mom who has teenagers says the following:

"I don't know"

and somehow that is very helpful. 

And this: 

all the water in the world can't sink a boat unless the water gets inside that boat.

10. Sunday for family home evening we took turns showing our best dance moves and then everyone said something nice about that person - "let your words tend to edifying one another."

Andrew did some amazing break dance moves. I don't even know where he learned/saw break dancing, but it was amazing.

Then I told Alexa to play some dance music and I danced and the children were so embarrassed. Avery literally hid her face and told me to stop. Evan die laughed. 

No one else would dance, but we still said nice things to each other. 

mommmm. stopppp. 

11. Evan made these snowmen out of the first snow of the season.

12. Avery made this wreath in her horticulture class. 

Mother's Day

There's a good picture. 

Then Robert yelled "Happy Mother's Day!"

and I yelled back "You too!"

The boys played cars in the morning before church. I love when they do that. 

After church me and Koda walked around the forest for an hour.

The Lily of the Valley was so fragrant. Perfume filled the air. 

Koda can you smell that?

We had grilled tri-tip and potatoes and strawberries with whipped cream.

During sacrament meeting, Evan went to the bathroom and came back with a molar in his hand that he plucked from his mouth.

Then he lost the tooth and thought that it was a huge tragedy, so I told him to write the tooth fairy (me) a note and it would all be ok.

He wrote this note, then reread it out loud to me and Avery. His misplaced pronoun makes it sound like the counter top is a she and that the counter top ate his tooth. He MEANT to say that probably Koda ate it.

But it was so funny to us. Me and Avery and Evan died laughing at the notion that the counter top ate his tooth.

Tonight I was in the shower and Andrew came in, telling me about his theme park. He talks about it in a voice like he is on YouTube doing a review of the rides. 

He points out specific details that are a part of the park. 

These are all rides he invented in his brain that he is critiquing. 

He asked me a question and I said, annoyed: "I'm in the shower! (so get out!)", 

and he said, "I can still talk to you", 

and I thought...yeah I guess you can. It's only a matter of time before he no longer comes into the bathroom and chatters on and on about his made up theme park.

So he continued to talk, and all I had to do is say "uh huh" every so often. 

When my mom was here visiting, after a few days she told me: "Evan loves you. You are his person."

I guess she noticed how he always comes and checks in with me, telling me what he's doing, telling me the status of all the things, coming to me when he has any kind of discomfort. 

He and I are at our best when we are one on one. I have been bringing him - only him - grocery shopping with me. He is a great helper - loves to push the cart and load and unload.

One day we went to WinCo and it turns out they don't take credit cards, and credit cards are all I had. So we had to put our cart full of goods in the walk-in freezer, then go to my bank down the street and withdraw CASH so that we could make our purchase. 

It was such a hilarious adventure to Evan. When we walked back into WinCo with our wad of money, he made hilarious kingly gestures, announcing our arrival with the required funds. 

Avery is my oldest child, only girl. She gets to do all the things the boys don't get to, but keeps it a secret so they don't know. Like, right now she is staying up as late as she wants to read her book. And earlier today I gave her a handful of chocolate chips and said "don't tell the boys."

She never ever complains when I ask for help. She is always thankful. 

The other day I started singing the song she made up and sang  when she first learned to ride a bike. She used to sing it as she flew down Sagebrush Lane: 

AND YOU! YOU'RE GOING...YOU'RE A WINNER TO ME!"

Anyway, this completely embarrassed her that I would bring up such a memory, and she cried and got so mad at me. Which is to say: she's growing up and getting embarrassed at things that I would have never expected. 

This is the current state of motherhood that I am in. 

Give or take a million other things.