New Years Eve Jim went golfing with the Black boys and me and Lisa hiked 5 miles around Padden.
While we were sitting in the club house waiting for the golfers to get done, we discussed what we should do for New Years? and we both said: go to our own homes and get in bed.
Usually we have a New Years party at the Blacks, and we walk down to the Ring of Fire at the bay, and it's a whole fun night.
But the Blacks recently had the flu, and nobody had party food, and just, my bed sounded way funner.
So we ate dinner at Chipotle, then went home.
We watched Big with the boys.
Avery had a super fun New Years, as she should.
She hung out with her friends and didn't go to sleep until 7am.
I went to bed early - put my mask on and hit the sack at 11:00.
And literally said "I don't care, good night".
I had to get up early the next morning to park cars for the Polar Plunge.
They are attempting the World Record for most people plunging.
They had enough people, but they are still waiting to hear from Guiness to see if it's official.
So that was a CRAZY new years day. The cars just kept coming and coming!
Here are my thoughts on my kids growing up - and I can't really put it into words, and I know my feelings will change -
but it feels unfair.
I want to be a mom. I want to have a family. and I did all that, and now they are just going to go away.
I've prayed and prayed to have a safe and healthy, and happy family and here it is, and they are just going to walk away.
I literally cry into my pillow lately about how I don't want it to end. I want my kids in my home and I want a family.
When Simeon sees the baby Jesus in the temple with Mary, he gives them a blessing.
And he tells Mary - IN PARENTHESIS -
"(yea, a sword shall pierce through thy own soul also)"
like: BY THE WAY, Mary, having children and being a mother will PIERCE YOUR SOUL with a sword because you will love something so much and it was designed and destined to leave you.
The whole configuration of the mothering is healthy and good ONLY WHEN IT LEAVES YOU.
OR you could be like the wicked witch archetypes (in snow white, repunzal, etc) who are devouring mothers and don't allow the children to grow and leave.
That's me, a devouring mother. You stay RIGHT HERE WITH ME.
When I pray about this and I can't deal with the unfairness, the thought comes to me: this joy of having kids will be their joy. Do you want to deny them this joy? Of progression and becoming and feeling all the things you feel?
and my answer is YES.
So, stay tuned to see if I find a way to feed my children a poisoned apple.
I'm researching a recipe.
I don't know. Remember I don't know how to be a mom.
